Monday, January 19, 2015

Breaking down a little

Last week was not a pleasant one, but there were a few silver linings. My car was overheating to an extreme point and I knew that I couldn't drive it. The silver lining to that is that I got permission to log into the office computer from home and work on the bank reconciling. It was nice using my own bathroom and having a little quiet and peace around me. I also got a lot done without the regular requests to stop my work and take care of something trivial. The radiator has a leak along one of the seams and there was a temporary repair that I'd hoped would last a few months. Mainly because I don't have the time right now to replace the darn thing (and I know it's a messy job that will also be a cold job while the temperatures are low). The money to have someone else replace it is not anywhere to be found for the time being, either. On Thursday afternoon the car was up & running and Brianna & I went to the grocery store, happy to be able to get a few things that had been running low. Friday morning, the battery was about as close to dead as it could be. Sunday (after getting a couple orders through the shop), I was able to replace the battery and drove to work this morning. These were minor things and I kept reminding myself of that. This afternoon, however, just as I was getting ready to pull into my driveway, the radiator blew. All the fluid drained out onto the ground and steam billowed from under the hood. I have no idea when it will get fixed since there won't be money in the budget for it for another 2 weeks. Well, I've ridden the public transit before, and I'll do it again. Hopefully my bosses will allow me to work from home a few days each week until this smoothes out.

The school and I are still trying to work out whether or not Brianna can actually graduate. They say that an assignment had to have been turned in on a specific date, the same date that Brianna was swearing in at MEPS. Since the assignment requires a presentation in front of an audience, they didn't "have the resources" to reschedule it. Her teacher has shown no flexibility in this, the assistant principal suggested that Brianna didn't really want to go into the military and that's why she didn't turn in the assignment (and didn't seem to understand the fact that she's already sworn in and was scheduled to leave next month), and the counselor has repeatedly said that there is nothing she can do about it. Silver lining... Brianna has brought up the fact that she will have more time to physically train for boot camp. I can see that, but I also see another six months of dealing with this school system because of one class. A class that Brianna has a B in, even after the F for the assignment in question.

Saturday consisted of some time with Brianna and an unexpected nap that lasted three and a half hours. I even slept through the noise from the dryer when the cycle was complete even though it "reminds" us every ninety seconds or so. When it was over I barely felt more rested than when I'd gone to my room. I'm trying not to worry too much about that, but it does weigh on me a little that it feels like I'm going backward in this whole recovery process.

Each day I try to see the good in the things happening around me. Taking the bus means that I get more knitting time. Having Brianna's ship date postponed means that I get more time with her. But there is a "but" in all of it. Mostly it consists of being tired of doing all of this by myself. At the same time, I realize that for most of my adult life I have done it this way. Yes, I had some help paying the rent when I first moved here, yes, I've had someone to help me with my auto repairs before I moved here, and yes, I have accepted public assistance when the times have been really tight. At the same time, it was the day to day struggle that I once longed for another person to help carry the burden sometimes. This is the part that makes me nearly weep in frustration as one thing after another piles on top of the mess I'm dealing with.

Don't get me wrong, I don't feel sorry for myself. I know that I have blessings in my life that are worth the moon and stars to me. My increasingly good health (even with the slight curve it's taken), my children's love and awesomeness, my friends all over the world, the "basics" of a roof over my head and food in the kitchen... all of these things are huge, huge blessings and wonderful things to have in my life. And I am more grateful for them than I can express.

And, while I do wish that I didn't have to try so hard to keep everything balanced, I will continue to focus on as much good and positiveness that I can.

Friday, January 09, 2015


The mist is lifting slowly
I can see the way ahead
And I've left behind the empty streets
That once inspired my life
And the strength of the emotion
Is like thunder in the air

(Justin Hayward) 
I've been in a bit of a funk lately. A lot of it has to do with the tightness of the bills and the tiredness of the season. I know that it will pass and the weight will lift somewhat. For a little while I tried to brush this all aside, then realized that I needed to acknowledge the "down-ness" and work through it without avoiding it. That seems to be helping and I am starting to feel a little better.

Random thoughts
It took a little time before I realized that part of my mood has to do with things that happened close to a year ago and the ending of things. It's not that I want to go back and make a different choice, since I see now just how tiny I had become. It's just that there are some old hurts trying to rise to the surface. And so, I'm sitting in the sunshine every chance I get, I am listening to uplifting music each day, and I'm treating myself with as much love and patience as I would to a friend. I know this will pass.

I am certainly looking forward to Spring and all that comes with it. Even with the upcoming emptiness of the house and such I know that the longer days and warmer weather will help a lot. I will be able to plant more seeds and tend to the ones from last year. I'll be able to take a few walks along the Blue Ridge Parkway and listen to the world around me.

Even though I'm back into that cycle of needing a daily nap right now I recognize what I'm doing to cause that and I'm working on it. I just need to scale back a little on what I am doing each day. Organizing my time has never been as important as it is now. If I am not careful I will end up back where I was a year ago and I simply cannot afford that. And so, I am limiting my time of doing things that aren't really necessary. Like stressing over things that are unchangeable.

I truly hope you all have a very good weekend.