Tuesday, December 30, 2014

The Last Day

This is it. The last day that I will be the mother of a minor. I started a list of things that would no longer happen, but simply it's the last day for so many things. This is a weird place. And something funny? I reached this place before either of my exes.

My kids have both been the most awesome things about my life. I mean that with every fiber of my being. They have brought me more laughter and love than anyone else ever has. They've been my steady beam of light, my anchor to reality, and my brightest inspiration. They have fueled my imagination, enhanced my spirituality, and brought out my fierceness. They've taught me patience and compassion, given me laughter and silliness, shared dreams and heartache. We've been angry enough at each other to bring tears to the surface and clenched fists at our sides. We've had sleepless nights with buckets and towels and washing machines running. We've had early mornings with red eyes and weariness. We've had evenings of running from one theater to another so we could catch the next show, singing loudly in the car, yelling from the opposite sides of the house, and laughing when we catch ourselves messing things up royally. We have fought over chores, compromised over curfews, and voted on dinner.

Don't get me wrong; there were some really crappy times when the money was gone, when my sanity was shaky, when everything fell apart. There were times when I opted for the television over books, fast food over health, and rushed moments over quality time. Things were far from perfect and far from fabulous. But I love them with more than I can ever, ever express.

As I think about all of this, the changes coming up, the changes that have already happened, and some things that will never occur, I can't help but feel that bittersweet pang whenever the horizon shifts. What will happen in our futures? What challenges do we face? How many will we face together? How many apart? Of course, none of us have the answers to these things, but I have a lot of hope that we will still be the "Triforce Family" through the years to come.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Beginnings and clutter

As I finished up my Solstice day in relative quiet (I did shout aloud about my first sale on The Raven's Cauldron) and solitude, I began cleaning out old notebooks that I hadn't opened since I left Ohio. It was strange to see someone else's handwriting again after all this time, it was stranger still to realize that I didn't feel a need to read what he'd written. Instead, I tore all the pages from the wire coils and put them into the recycling bin. I didn't feel sorrow or anger or any other negative emotion, just a sense of accomplishment for having clean notebooks. What a wonderful feeling of fresh beginnings.

I did find some important pages tucked in all the notes and such, though. One was the write-up for a sweater I had designed and would like very much to work out various sizes. Another was the beginning of a story that still fills me with anticipation at seeing how it will turn out. That just might be the story for next year's NaNoWriMo. I'll need to do a little research about getting permission to use lyrics in it, but that can wait until the holiday season is over. I also came across a letter from Anthony that he wrote just before The Crucible. How my heart jumped when I read the words of my first born as he was preparing to get through something I couldn't even imagine.

This morning it is rainy and bleak outside, and I have friends who are feeling heartache during this season of festivities. My thoughts and prayers go out to them all and to the ones I don't know. Those who will be spending time with family that doesn't accept them. Those who are out of the country and will be lucky to be able to call home. Those who are missing the ones far away. Those with lost loved ones. Those without a home. My heart goes out to them all. I truly wish I could reach out to them all and let them know that they are special.

This morning I think about how lucky I truly am. My son is in another state but we talk a couple times a week. My daughter is leaving in a couple months, but I'll be sending her letters weekly or more. My Dad is far from me, but he is well and we talk once or twice a week. I have friends who celebrate my successes and cheer me on. I may not have all the wealth and acquaintances that some people have, but I have so much abundance and love and that really is all that matters.

To those who are feeling strain, I send you prayers. To those who have abundance, I send you prayers, too.

Namasté.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Planning and planning

Some of the thoughts running through my mind lately seem to be in the future. I know that we're supposed to live in the moment and that doing otherwise will bring us heartache, but... there are so many plans to make and so many things that I need to take care of before it's time to move on. Between sorting through all of my stuff and figuring out what will come with me and planning for any contingency I can think of, there isn't much mental rest for me. I know that I need to set aside time and just relax for a while. My health depends on it. The last several days I've had a hard time getting out of bed in the morning and my meditations are more like dozing than actual meditations. My hope is that I can get a bit of rest next weekend after I've had time to deal with the opening of the new shop and a few things around the house. I have been getting to bed earlier... mostly.

And, in the middle of all of that, I am still cherishing my phone calls with Anthony, my time with Brianna, and the bots of time I spend alone. These are my "living in the moment" times and they are pretty important to me.

Brianna has a new recruiter now. I'm not sure what happened at the office, but she now will be answering to Sgt. Jones. He's a pretty straightforward kind of guy and I like him. SSgt Hope is still keeping a close eye on how things are progressing with the medical waiver and everything else needed to progress from here.As the days pass, I can't help but think about how swiftly everything is happening, even though it's taken so long to reach this point.

I started a "yard sale" of sorts yesterday and have sold off several of my books (I kept the Harry Potter series and Inheritance, too, along with several of my reference books). Over the next few days I'm hoping to get some of my art pieces and other household items listed. It feels a little strange to see my bookshelf so empty right now. I plan to do some minor repairs on it (it is probably over 15 years old) and set it back up in my room with the books at the bottom and some plastic bins on the other shelves. The plan is to add a ribbon/strap to each shelf so that the bins will be held in place on the road. That is assuming, of course, that I take the shelf with me.

Tomorrow is Anthony's 23rd birthday. I don't know how that happened already and I can't help but to wish I could be there and give him a hug. Instead I'll call and we'll talk a while. Eventually, I hope to visit with both of the kids while I'm on the road. I don't know for certain how I'll plan out that route, but it will be fun to try.

In the meantime, I truly hope that you all have a wonderful day and that your holidays, no matter what/if you celebrate, are filled with wonder and delight.

Tuesday, December 09, 2014

Time?

I'm at work, but most of my mind is somewhere else. Where the heck did all the years go? Why isn't Anthony still arguing with me about who gets to read the new HP book first? Why isn't Brianna still sprinkling glitter everywhere? I know, I know, time passes and kids grow up.Which brings me to what I'm going to do next. 

As many of you know, I'm in the process of saving up for a motor home. In the meantime, though, I'll be doing all that I can to increase my health and get my house in order. I'm amazed at how much stuff I have that I know will not come with me. Like boxes of things that haven't been opened since I moved to Asheville. I am also working on my organization skills. Since I'll need to keep my shop supplies nice & neat and I'll need to make sure orders are shipped in a timely manner, I am rearranging the living room to a "preview" of how the motor home will be. After Brianna has moved out, I'll also be keeping a very close eye on how the water gets used, where I can cut back on counter space, and what uses the most electricity.

And all of that stuff, along with both of the shops, my friends and activities on  Ravelry, and life in general, should help me stay focused and not feel blue about the emptiness of the bedroom across from mine.

Friday, December 05, 2014

Old-Fashioned Manners

 I did something a couple weeks ago that helped me to clear out the space in my room. Space that I needed to transform into emptiness. With the items that I cleared out, I thought about the person who would be receiving them and what he might make from them. It was my sincere hope that these items (yarn) would bring a smile to his life.

I found out several days later that they did, indeed, bring a bright spot to his day.
Then, a couple days later, I got this cute little card in the mail from an address that I didn't recognize and inside was this lovely, hand-scripted thank you note. The handwriting was elegant and decorative and my breath stopped for a moment with the beauty of it.

So many years ago it was a normal thing to get a thank you card or note and the penmanship was usually very nice. Now, that's becoming a thing of the past, but it is still out there in little pockets.

It does make me a little sad that those days are long gone, but the joy I felt at getting this note really went a long way to making my week a better one.