Sunday, October 05, 2014

Breathing freely

“We too should make ourselves empty, that the great soul of the universe may fill us with its breath.”
― Laurence Binyon

There have been days when I despaired of ever getting caught back up, of ever reaching a point where I could lean back for just a moment and take a breath, of ever knowing that I didn't have to keep struggling so hard. Some of you already know that I went into debt to move to Asheville. I also used up every dime in my savings account and all my envelopes. I'll admit that it wasn't the smartest thing I'd ever done, but I had faith in the things that people were telling me and I believed I would be working soon after arriving and that I'd have my loved one follow me here to share in the finances. Neither of those happened, of course, and I ended up in a position of living penny to penny once again. My credit score dropped from 720 to 528. I was horrified that I let that happen again. That I let the words of another person sway me from my goal of being debt free and in good credit standing.

Photograph from
Robert  Stephens of Solitary Traveler Photography.
I will admit right now that I do still feel resentment about this, simply because I trusted the people in my life. I trusted that the opportunities would be there for me as I was told. I trusted that my "partner" was going to get things settled and would be moving here as I was told. I had worked very hard over the years to get out of debt, to reach a point where my money was all my own again. I was nearly at that place and I was really starting to feel good about the future. Then I made these choices and ended up going several steps backward. Yes, there is still resentment. Granted, K was sending money to me each month to help with the rent and I was able to get emergency food stamps, but to watch the balance in my savings diminish, to see the late charges on the debts again... it made things very dreary.

But now! After keeping an extremely tight budget since we moved here I have finally paid off two of the credit cards I got to pay for the move here. I have finally reached a point where the disconnect notices and collection calls have ceased. I have finally gotten that moment where I could take a deep breath and know that it was going to be alright. I can't say that I did it all by myself. The first office job here helped to keep the utilities on and introduced me to someone who led me to the bookkeeping job I now have. So I did have help from others, which I appreciate more than they will know.

I have reevaluated my goals and I have a new one. While I still want to own my own land one day, I recognize that it isn't what I want right now. What I want right now is something even more simple than a tiny house in the mountains somewhere with my animals and garden. What I want right now is smaller and yet, so much bigger. It will take at least 9-12 months to save up for what I want, but in the meantime, I will still be able to enjoy the time I have with Brianna, enjoy time with my new friends, and enjoy the wonderful feeling of knowing that I'm about to do something awesome. And, strangely enough, I think my mother would be tickled pink about it.

When I'm closer to reaching the first goal I will share with you all what my plan is. In the meantime, I hope you all have a wonderful day!

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