I sit here in the wee hours, knowing that I should try to sleep again, but also knowing that the night is claiming me as her own for a little while. My thoughts are clear even as they swirl around my head and I feel elation as I begin to sort through them. At the moment, I've decided to think on what I really want to do with my life now. Now that my youngest child is well on her way to following her own path, now that I will be on my own with only the cats as my responsibilities, now that I can look ahead and see more clearly where I can go. Oh, how the possibilities excite me!
I am going to be forty three years old in just a little over a week and that intrigues and frightens me all at the same time. I'm not where I wanted to be, but perhaps I'm where I need to be. I do know that there are so many things behind me that I will never get back, people I've left behind who no longer fit into my life, if they ever really did. But... there is still so much ahead of me, too. So much light on that horizon, so much joy out there in the world. And it's time for me to go get some of it for myself. Even though I hardly have a plan in place.
Throughout various times over the years I've had plans of some sort. When I left my ex-husband the plan was to raise my son alone and focus on being the best mom possible. That changed when I got pregnant unexpectedly. After Brianna came along the plan was to raise both of my children the best that I could, alone. That changed when I met someone special. With him in my life the plan was to build a life together and raise my children with two parents. That didn't quite happen the way I'd envisioned and I mostly raised my kids alone. When that relationship ended the plan was to heal and focus on my business and finish raising my daughter. That plan is still in place, but I know that part of it will be ending soon, perhaps even before the winter is over.
But there are a couple dreams that still glimmer through the layer of dust and I've discovered that they still fit me almost perfectly. There are ideas for stories, endeavors, knitting designs, household ideas, healing ideas, and so much more.
One of the things I'm focusing on right now is healing myself. There have been so many things that have gone wrong physically over the last several years that it was beginning to feel as if I were becoming my mother, but with different challenges. The blood sugar, the memory lapses and loss of words, the pulmonary issues, and others. Well, the blood sugar is back to normal levels now. I'm still watching the things that I allow inside my body, but I can relax a little knowing that I'm no longer on that edge of needing to take insulin. I've had scans done not that long ago and my brain seems to be in good working order so the memory and loss of words wasn't physical (thank the stars!) and, instead, was related to the stress I'd been under. I'm still working on that, but I think I've just about got that taken care of, too. As for my lungs... I've had one doctor tell me that it might be a good idea to live in a drier climate, similar to the one I grew up with. And another doctor said that there are things I can do to strengthen my immune system and my lungs. I know I'll be working on that, but I've also had thoughts of heading to a different location. I'm still undecided about that part just now.
The big dream I have... I'll be taking small steps so that I can build up to what I need. It's an old dream, actually, but it's still so vibrant and ready to be brought to life. I have many tiny details to work out and it's frightening to know that I'll be doing this completely on my own. And yet... I think I've always known that I had the strength to do whatever I wanted, even if I had no one to help me. I have so much to learn, so many new things that I'll have to figure out, but I know the basics and that's all I need to start with.
As I once used to say all the time "Something always comes through when I need it." And so, I will keep having faith that it will.