Friday, May 16, 2014

Why I've been distant...

Once again I wake in the night with a million thoughts flowing (and a racing heart, but that's kind of normal right now).

A few people have noticed that I've been acting a little different lately. I will admit that I see it, too, and there is a reason behind it. Part of it is the anger that I felt when I was betrayed and abandoned (that is how it felt) during a time when I was scared out of my wits with medical issues (more about that in a moment), financial stress, and so much more. As the stress rose, my tolerance for others dropped. The stress has been subsiding, but the low tolerance seems to be holding steady. Yes, I know that's not the "right" way to be, but I am working on it.

You see, not long ago, I was faced with the sudden reality that time is seriously short. I knew this with my head, but not so much with my Being.

Of course, none of us really know how much time we have left on this earth, but there are things that tend to make us think about how little time we might have, even with a natural death. For example, I've been thinking about my mother recently. She died almost 20 years ago from complications due to the cancer she had. She was only 43. I don't have any of the cancers she did (and am not likely to get them), but I do have an issue with my heart. When I first found out about it (a little over a year & a half ago, I believe) I was more than a little nervous, but I was hopeful that everything would be alright. Everything is still mostly alright, but it has progressed somewhat (likely because of the stress on my body due to the pneumonia). I was told late last year that, for now, I don't need surgery to repair it, but it's still a strong future possibility. When I heard this news, I was more frightened than I've been since... well, I don't remember, actually. I needed someone to talk with. But, at the time, I didn't feel that I had anyone to turn to and talk about it. I did try to reach out to someone, but they were "in a mood" and unwilling to call me. That, combined with a few other things, made me realize that I needed to grasp my life and make some tough choices about what I'd allow to affect me. I had to let go of the things, and the people, that were bringing me sorrow or stress. Life really is too short, even if I get 100 years.

Am I still angry? Yes, I am. The person I was supposed to trust abandoned me when I really needed him. It seemed to be more important to spend time with others than to call me when I asked for a call. Is it petty for me to print this? Most likely. I should be better than that, right? Even so, it hurts to know that I was so easily ignored when I really needed a partner. Some of that anger and pain still keeps me awake at night (obviously)... like now. But, I will not allow it to eat me up. I understand that healing is a process and I need to allow it to happen. I understand that there may be future times when the night is not restful. I will get through them and I will be stronger for it.

Now, I hope to get another hour of sleep before the day begins.

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