Sunday, May 11, 2014

Elements # 3

Start being honest with yourself about everything. Be honest with what's right, as well as what needs to be changed. Be honest about what you want to achieve and who you want to become. Be honest with every aspect of your life, always. Because you are the one person you can forever count on. Search your soul, for the truth, so that you truly know who you are. Once you do, you'll have a better understanding of where you are now and how you got here, and you'll be better equipped to identify where you want to go and how to get there. Read The Road Less Traveled.
It's almost funny, but a lot closer to sad, that the first thing I started to think was what someone else would think needed to be changed. Old habits, eh?

So I started over again and really thought about this one. What is right about me? This one was both easy and difficult since I do see the good in Me. I do see the things I do to make this world a brighter place. And I do see the areas in my life that make me proud of myself. But, at the same time, I don't do them for others to look at me and agree or confirm my goodness. Sometimes I don't even think about these things until after the fact. Still, this Element is about being honest. A short list is this:

I am creative, generous, loving, and giving. I have integrity, honor, and intelligence. I think of ways to accomplish things that other people might not think of. I am capable of fixing many issues with my car and around the house (though, I still have a fear of anything electricity related). I am knowledgeable about various healing techniques, medicines, and herbal concoctions. I am compassionate and open-minded. I am a damn good Mom. And, I truly see the wonder in the world around me. I look at the beauty in the little things and I smile at that.

I've been thinking about the things I feel need changing. The typical issues float to the top of the list, of course: weight, health, money, etc., but they aren't really what need to be addressed. So I thought some more. I'm the kind of person who will concede to another person when I don't want a confrontation. I'll stay quiet when I don't want to do something and I will follow along with things I'm not comfortable with. All to avoid a fight or someone's disapproval. I have also allowed myself to continue hurting because I think the other person will be happier with a situation.  I've done this for my whole life and I don't know if I really am capable of stopping now without a significant struggle. And is the struggle worth it? Is there a balance in standing up for myself without knocking the other person down? I really don't know. I look at the times when I did stand up for myself and I knocked another down to do so (I don't know for certain that I knocked them down, but over the years I've seen how their lives ended up and I can't help but wonder if I hold some responsibility in it.) I can't think of a time that another person wasn't hurt or angered by my being strong. I can think of no one who was truly open enough to accept that I didn't agree with them and leave it at that. Instead, I only recall times when another person would do their best to point out how wrong I was or they would just keep pushing until I nodded miserably and went along with what they wanted. Friends, a lover, a husband, my brother, my mother... the list goes back a long way.

Where I am now isn't the best place I've been, but neither is it the worst. I do still struggle to "put on a happy face" for the daily activities and I still have a hard time using the term "depression" pertaining to myself. But it's there. A part of me believes that I can't be a good healer if I can't heal myself and right now I still need a lot of healing. That's part of where I want to go. Part of the future I want for myself. And, as much as I want to live far away from civilization, I know that I can't bring Light to others that way. I will need to be relatively close to people. Right now that's not easy.

And so, I will keep taking small steps to make changes in my life. Will I reach a balance of standing strong and allowing another to be strong, too? Perhaps. It's part of the journey I feel needs to be made and I will do my best.

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