Friday, March 07, 2014

Retirement?

Day eight (OPC)Yes, I said retirement. It seems a little strange to think about that word, but the dreams I used to have are now set aside and it's time to move forward the best I can. After all, I'm "only" forty-two years old. I've been researching and have found that even if I waited until my fifties I could still retire with a little something put away. The trick, though, is to start as soon as possible. I won't be starting in the next few months since there are so many bills to catch up with, but the thought is growing and I'm determined to have a solid plan in place and implemented before my birthday.

One might wonder what this subject might have to do with "Life on Fire" but if you think about it, this is a major part of a person's life, right? I mean, we all want to live a little more comfortably when we've reached our "golden years". Social Security can't be relied on since there are so many issues in the government right now and, even if it remains a viable option, it won't pay very much (my estimates are a joke).

I've made a few decisions about which direction I want to go with other areas of my life, too. Last weekend I was pretty busy with paperwork and didn't get a lot of time to think, but I do have a 13 minute drive twice a day and I've been using that time to mull a few things over.

I lost focus on the areas of my dreams that brought happiness to myself and those who were touched by them. One example is Alina Shea Creations. I had reached a point where I would dye up as much yarn as I could in as little time as I could so that I could focus on job searching and Market America. Crystal Healing? That wasn't even on the stove, much less the back burner. Both areas suffered greatly. This is not acceptable to me. I love the people who bought yarn from me. I loved their projects and stories and how they shared what was going on in their lives. I loved how interested they were in the things I was doing. It truly felt like family. The Crystal Healing that was supposed to become a branch of my business "tree" felt like something that would bring comfort and goodness to those who would become my clients. It could be integrated with Reiki and I know how powerful that can be, too.

Now that I am getting the bills paid on my own again, I will be bringing these both to the forefront. As for the other area... I'm not going to put much more effort into something that doesn't bring me joy and peace. I know that there are some who would argue that I need to stick with it, but I'm not driven by the possibility of a huge income. If I had been, I'd have become the engineer my family pushed so hard for me to be.

On the more personal front, I am still more sad than I like to admit. This part isn't depression, it is sadness over losing something that I will never get back. Sadness over so many misunderstandings and hurts and shattered hopes. There are still nights when I wake in tears and the whole day feels touched with darkness. There are days when I wonder how everything got so fowled up. And, yes, I even have days when I think that I must not have been "good enough". I know this is all a bunch of malarkey, but the feelings are still there.

Even so, I am doing my best to reclaim the smile I like to wake up with, the strength I have to get through anything, and the wonder of the world around me.

I joined a workshop that focuses on Celtic Goddesses. The first week we learned a bit about  the Cailleach. She's a fearsome being that has facets all over the world. I'm not going to go into detail today, but it was a nice workshop and I'm looking forward to the remaining meetings (four more). I might write a bit more about the Cailleach later. I'd like to write about each of the Goddesses as we learn about them... if time allows.

It's nearly warm enough to begin my walking routine again. My plan it to start with walking to the library and back. Once that doesn't feel like I'm going to keel over, I'll walk a different direction. Each week or so I will increase the distance until I'm walking three miles again. I don't know if I'll ever run again, but that was never my dream anyway. I'm thinking that I should be able to go on the hikes before much longer. After all, I've always been quick at healing once I got past the worst part of something.

Oh! Brianna and I are going to try taking some pottery classes this summer. It will be nice to do something with her just for fun. Who knows? Maybe we'll get a couple of bowls out of the ordeal. Or a cool coffee mug.


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