Thursday, February 27, 2014

Late night thoughts...

I sit here in the quiet gloom of the late evening, awake for the umpteenth time tonight, and I think about all the things that have happened since I moved. So many negative things pop up. At one time I'd have pushed them aside and try to focus on only the good things, but tonight I'm letting them in. I've come to think that the more I push them away, the harder they will be to deal with later. This way I can acknowledge them and give them their moment then let them go. I think this is one way to avoid slipping into depression, which is knocking on my doors and windows lately.

Some of the things going through my head are deeply personal and I won't put them out here. I will only say that, when you go through life expecting only good things, it's a hell of a blow when the bad stuff happens. Even so, I don't know if it's better to be hopeful and feel the hurt or to be pessimistic and and just expect the bad things. I don't know if it's possible for me to be pessimistic for very long. 

I'm glad for the jobs that I now have even though they leave me with very little time for other, very important things. I'm falling into bed at night with chores not completed, orders not mailed, yarn not dyed, and Market America prospects not followed up on. And when I wake, I wake already tired and running low on energy. 

I recognize that something has to give or it will all come crashing down around me. Looking at my options... the two jobs are needed to cover the bills, Alina Shea Creations is needed to feed my spirit, and Market America holds potential for the future. Certainly not an easy choice, but I'll think about it over the weekend and see what my heart tells me.

I'm supposed to meet with some folks this weekend. Nothing elaborate, just coffee and conversation. I know that I "should" screen them as potential MA people. I know that I "should" talk with them about the business plan and the ways that TLS can help others with their health as well as make money. I know that I "should" stay focused on getting more people recruited. But right now... that is the farthest thing from what I want. It's the last thing my spirit wants to focus on. I simply want to meet people and establish friendships.

Even so, I know that decisions shouldn't be made when you've not slept well for several days. I do hope morning brings a brighter focus. 

Wednesday, February 19, 2014


As I drove down the road today the sun began to peek out from the rainy clouds. In front of me (facing west) I could see the mists rising from the ridges, while behind me I could see the sun's rays setting all the droplets alight. It felt a bit like a magical moment and I was glad to be part of it all. In that sliver of time I felt that all would be right in the world and that the light at the end of the tunnel wasn't an oncoming train.

There is a respite from the bitter cold and I am feeling comfortable in a long-sleeved t-shirt. I still smile at the folks in jackets, but that might change someday. After all, I once wore a coat when the temperature dropped below 55 and still shivered. Nonetheless, I'm happy for this warmth.

I am looking forward to spring and the longer days. This wasn't a very pleasant winter and I don't even mean the weather. Between the emotional drain of life and the physical drain of pneumonia, I will admit that there were days when it was challenging getting through each moment. I had to set aside my hopes of meeting new people and getting out to do new things (coffee groups, hiking groups, etc.), but I can feel those hopes rising again. I am still ridiculously tired by the end of the day, but I know that will shift as I get stronger again.

Now for some mundane things which I find a bit interesting.

We had a mini ice pond in the back for a few days. It was kind of cool to watch the snow melt and run down the driveway (the front is higher than the back). It was also pretty cool to wake and see the icy surface over the grass and gravel. As pretty as the snow was, I'm glad it's melting away. Not that the bare branches are better to look at, but they do have a stark beauty that is nicer than the slushiness that always comes after the snow begins to melt.

Our floors are wood. Not wood laminate, but real wood (that seems to be the norm down here). Since the winter began and we have been running the furnace so much, I started to notice tiny separations in the boards. Not a lot, maybe enough for a thin bit of paper to slip between. Now, however, some of the boards are separated by a size 0 knitting needle (2mm). It's a little odd to walk over them in my wool socks. There are ways to fill in the crevices with wood putty, hemp cord, and several other methods, but I'm just going to try raising the humidity a bit more for the time being.

There are cardinals living around the house and I like to watch them flit around. Sometimes I can hear them chirping to each other and other times I only see the flashes of red as they fly by. There are also bluebirds (I think this is the first time I've seen them, but they might have been in Tennessee, too) who hang out in the trees behind the house as well as a few mourning doves. I know that there are other birds out there, but I'm unsure of their names. When I learn them, they will make their way into my writings, I'm sure.

I hope you all have a wonder-filled day.

Monday, February 03, 2014

Life is precious...

There is a young woman who has been on my mind for the last few days. I didn't know her, she was part of a crafting community that I am part of. I've never interacted with her, she was only a name on the screen. But not for others. For so many others she was a warm and loving person. For so many others she was an inspiration and someone who would cheer on the team.

So, why is she on my mind? A little over a month ago she went to the hospital for flu symptoms and was diagnosed with pneumonia. Not long after that she was admitted to the ICU. Three days ago she let go of this life. She leaves behind a young husband, a few rescue cats, and many friends on Ravelry. I know that there are so many other lives touched by her, but those are the only ones I know. She was my son's age. She was mostly healthy, she had friends and loved ones around her.

When I read the news I sat at my desk and cried. My heart broke for this young woman who had never crossed my path before a few days ago. My heart also broke for the fact that time is so very precious and short. Time slips away and there is no way to retrieve it. And I am reminded, once again, to live the best that I can. To be true to the person I am. To strive for peace within.

As you go about your day, please remember that You are precious to those around you. Live true to your nature and try to find reasons to smile each day. Feel gratitude in each obstacle you overcome.