Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Twelve years ago... It seems as if it was only yesterday. It was, if you think about it. So much is still the same as it was back then. People will wage battles from misunderstandings. They will come running to help at the drop of a hat. Children will learn to hate and will learn to love. I am still trying to find my way in my own life. Still trying to keep that spark of hope glowing bright. Still trying to hold onto a dream that means nothing to anyone but me.
Twelve years ago....It seems as if an entire lifetime has passed. Again, it has, when you think of it. My son is no longer a child, my daughter is nearly ready to step out on her own. I nearly gave up my own life twice for the pain I was going through. I lost an entire year to clinical depression (oddly enough, neither plan of suicide happened during this time). I started a business, then another one. I shut down one business and joined in with one more. I lost part of my soul when I tried to make someone's life better and still haven't gotten it back and realized that I might never regain that part of me. I gave up dreams and hopes in order to keep putting one foot in front of the other while I struggled to pay the bills and find balance between children and business and lover and Life and Spirit. I got tattoos, planned tattoos, and threw away the tattoo drawings. I experienced things I'd never experienced before and they left me bruised and hollow and exhilarated and hopeful. Some of those emotions were from the same experience! I learned to look at myself as a potential runner. I learned that even those who love you will pound you into the dirt until you are nothing more than a bloody pulp and still never see the pain you are in. And that family will stand beside you even when they don't understand and have no clue what you are doing with your life. I learned that dreams don't mean anything unless you put the work into them. And that, if you are working the wrong dream, it will fall apart no matter how much effort you put into it. And through it all, I held onto some part of me that was stronger than I thought possible.
I have been near tears most of this day. Some of it for the people who lost their lives twelve years ago. Some for the people who lost their loved ones. Some for myself, and the way that life looks dreary sometimes. Some for the children who are getting this messed up world with no skills on how to repair it. And some for the lost hopes and dreams that are now just ashes.
I'm struggling to end this on a bright note. I want to share peace and positive energy with the world. At this moment it is hard to find.
I walked away from this for a time. I'm still feeling very hollow and empty, and maybe that's just what I'm supposed to feel. Don't get me wrong! I am happy for the new opportunities in my life, the new club members, the mountains around me, and the friends who would hug me if they were nearby. But I grieve, too, for all the losses and the sorrows. I grieve for the life not lived.
Be well. Look into your loved ones' eyes and let them see the Light and Love you have for them. Call your parents and tell them that they are in your hearts. Send out prayers for those who have hurt you. And when you wake in the morning, say a prayer for all those who have made you smile.