Monday, September 16, 2013

Choosing...

(First: I did not stack these stones, but they were there in the small stream and are special.)

Long ago, stones were stacked for a reason. Sometimes as a trail marker, sometimes as a remembrance, and sometimes as a sacred thing. There are probably hundreds of theories and ideas about them, but I will go with what my inner voice tells me.

I got to go on an afternoon hike on Saturday with April & Kam. We went to the Blue Ridge Parkway and parked just before a tunnel and hiked what felt like an endless flight of stairs. By the time we got about a third of the way up I was pretty winded. Being sick and sedentary was a huge contributor to that, but so was the fact that it was a steep climb. Along the way I saw some beautiful mushrooms, flowers, and ferns. It wasn't until we were coming back down that Kam pointed out the stacked stones.

When I think about stones that have been placed so carefully, I wonder at the person who did it. And I wonder at their thoughts as they chose the stones and the location. This time... I thought of myself.

I am not where I thought I'd be at this point, but I think that's normal for most people. As I think about the things that have happened in the last five years, ten years, and fifteen years, I can see that there are great strides forward and a few steps back. I can see that I have stumbled and fallen flat and, most importantly, where I have gotten back up and took another step. There are dreams that I have laid aside and others that have filled me with hope. And now, even though I don't know where my next step is going to be, nor am I sure of how to take it, I do know that I am strong enough to keep going, to keep getting back up, and to keep growing.

And so, I choose to keep moving forward. Through the fear and pain, through the doubts and sorrows. I choose to keep growing, with all the starts and stops and stumbles and falls. I choose to Live the best that I can.

May you all have a blessed day.
Namasté.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Remembrance...

This isn't a post about what happened to our nation 12 years ago. I know that a lot of folks are blogging and writing and remembering. I am, too, but differently this time.

Twelve years ago... It seems as if it was only yesterday. It was, if you think about it. So much is still the same as it was back then. People will wage battles from misunderstandings. They will come running to help at the drop of a hat. Children will learn to hate and will learn to love. I am still trying to find my way in my own life. Still trying to keep that spark of hope glowing bright. Still trying to hold onto a dream that means nothing to anyone but me.

Twelve years ago....It seems as if an entire lifetime has passed. Again, it has, when you think of it. My son is no longer a child, my daughter is nearly ready to step out on her own. I nearly gave up my own life twice for the pain I was going through. I lost an entire year to clinical depression (oddly enough, neither plan of suicide happened during this time). I started a business, then another one. I shut down one business and joined in with one more. I lost part of my soul when I tried to make someone's life better and still haven't gotten it back and realized that I might never regain that part of me. I gave up dreams and hopes in order to keep putting one foot in front of the other while I struggled to pay the bills and find balance between children and business and lover and Life and Spirit. I got tattoos, planned tattoos, and threw away the tattoo drawings. I experienced things I'd never experienced before and they left me bruised and hollow and exhilarated and hopeful. Some of those emotions were from the same experience! I learned to look at myself as a potential runner. I learned that even those who love you will pound you into the dirt until you are nothing more than a bloody pulp and still never see the pain you are in. And that family will stand beside you even when they don't understand and have no clue what you are doing with your life. I learned that dreams don't mean anything unless you put the work into them. And that, if you are working the wrong dream, it will fall apart no matter how much effort you put into it. And through it all, I held onto some part of me that was stronger than I thought possible.

I have been near tears most of this day. Some of it for the people who lost their lives twelve years ago. Some for the people who lost their loved ones. Some for myself, and the way that life looks dreary sometimes. Some for the children who are getting this messed up world with no skills on how to repair it. And some for the lost hopes and dreams that are now just ashes.

I'm struggling to end this on a bright note. I want to share peace and positive energy with the world. At this moment it is hard to find.

-

I walked away from this for a time. I'm still feeling very hollow and empty, and maybe that's just what I'm supposed to feel. Don't get me wrong! I am happy for the new opportunities in my life, the new club members, the mountains around me, and the friends who would hug me if they were nearby. But I grieve, too, for all the losses and the sorrows. I grieve for the life not lived.

Be well. Look into your loved ones' eyes and let them see the Light and Love you have for them. Call your parents and tell them that they are in your hearts. Send out prayers for those who have hurt you. And when you wake in the morning, say a prayer for all those who have made you smile.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Time...

It's been over four weeks since I arrived in Asheville and things have settled in a bit. Brianna & I both caught the typical back-to-school, living-in-a-new-place bug . Brianna is pretty much over it and I've been resting lately to keep the coughing to a minimum and I'm pretty sure it will be gone soon.

There have been a lot of wonderful things that have happened since we got here. Sightings of bears in the back yard, delightful butterflies that frequently visit the flowers along the driveway, gentle rain, running before the world woke up, and so much more.

There are changes that have been happening around the house and it just seemed natural to make them when we moved in. Eating better, cleaning more, journaling quietly, meditating regularly, and many other wonderful things that I knew that I needed to stay on top of, but hadn't for several years.I feel that I've been given a clean slate to be who I want to be.

As the day begins, I look forward to the work I have to do and the Light I can help fill the world with.