Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Forward or backward?

I looked around my room last night and realized that the corner was once again cluttered with miscellaneous stuff. All of that stuff has its own place, I just happened to have dropped it all there (bits at a time) and didn't get back to it. It looks messy and is messing with the energy of the whole room. I think there are many areas in my life that are like that. It's not that I don't care about that corner, or even that I want it to be messy, but I get busy with other things and the corner falls to the back of my mind.

This morning I set a timer and got to work. The reason for the timer was so that I would actually stop since I had other things that needed to be done (like the dishes). Now it's much better and more organized. And we have a family bookshelf again, too.

The day has been long. I think it's partly because of so many things going through my head. That seems to be a trend lately, doesn't it?

I think about the people in this world. The suffering, the sorrow. I think about the joys and the triumphs. There is no end to the amazing creatures called "human".

And, as selfish as this sounds, I think about myself. I strive so hard to be understood. I apologize when I realize my mistakes (not always when they are pointed out to me, but when my heart realizes the truth). I make more mistakes now than I think I did when I was younger. Either that or I'm more aware of them. I feel more pain than I did when I was younger, more uncertainty, more confusion. Ideals that I held once so carefully now seem nothing more than a child's wish. My poetry is sparse and fleeting (I don't even have any of the new stuff since I failed to write it, only send it out in texts), my words feel as if they are drying up. Things that I once thought of as special about Me now seem the very things that cause the most issues.

I wonder if this is part of "growing up" or if it's something else. If this is growing up then I'm to just accept the way things are. If it's something else I need to figure it out and get rid of it.

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