Friday, May 24, 2013

Dreams and thoughts

WritingLast night I had the strangest dream...

No, there weren't people laying down their weapons and putting an end to war (for those who don't get it, it's a reference to a song my mother used to sing). Instead I dreamed that I had been in a car accident. When the doctor asked me what the last thing I remembered was, I told him that I had been crying while driving to my first day at work. I was crying because I'd left Brianna with a babysitter for the first time and it was tearing me apart. That was a very long time ago. In this dream I had lost more than thirteen years worth of memories and was a stranger to myself. My cat was gone and there were three others in this house that everyone told me was my home. I was eighty pounds lighter and had muscle definition. My children were no longer three and eight years old, instead they were sixteen and twenty-one. I had tattoos where there was once undecorated skin. I had a boyfriend who had a huge family and I knew none of them. Nothing in the house looked familiar to me. None of the people in my life looked familiar to me. Some things that people were telling me were so unfathomable that I felt like screaming and locking myself in a closet somewhere.

When I woke, my heart was racing and I could barely catch my breath. I was terrified. It took a while before everything started to sink in and I was able to look around the house with some confidence that I did indeed live there and that I remembered how the cats came to live with us and the various movies and books that I'd shared with my kids. It took a little bit longer for me to realize which state I lived in. That one was really weird.

As I went about the day, my mind returned to that dream and I thought about the changes in all that time. Simple things like text messaging and Facebook. More complex things like my business and my relationships with people. Huge historical events like the Twin Towers attack, weather events like the tsunami in the Indian Ocean, and personal events like the loss of my grandparents and my Dad's entry back into my life. There would be so much to relearn and try to figure out. It truly makes my head spin with the enormity of it. And made me feel very alone. At this point in my life there are only two people who have been in my life for longer than this dream entailed and they are my children. That's not entirely comfortable.

But it also made me realize that I am so very grateful for the memories I have. And it's brought a new awareness to other aspects of my life. The friendships I have now are very important to me. My business (which is now officially a LLC) is something I treasure. The life I'm building... it's nowhere near where I'd like it to be, but I know which direction I want to take it. I will keep holding to those things.

2 comments:

  1. This song?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3kCGyqAEiA

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    Replies
    1. That's it! When my mom sang it, though, it sounded so very sad and haunting. I don't think she believed there would ever be world peace in her lifetime or mine.

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