Friday, May 24, 2013

Dreams and thoughts

WritingLast night I had the strangest dream...

No, there weren't people laying down their weapons and putting an end to war (for those who don't get it, it's a reference to a song my mother used to sing). Instead I dreamed that I had been in a car accident. When the doctor asked me what the last thing I remembered was, I told him that I had been crying while driving to my first day at work. I was crying because I'd left Brianna with a babysitter for the first time and it was tearing me apart. That was a very long time ago. In this dream I had lost more than thirteen years worth of memories and was a stranger to myself. My cat was gone and there were three others in this house that everyone told me was my home. I was eighty pounds lighter and had muscle definition. My children were no longer three and eight years old, instead they were sixteen and twenty-one. I had tattoos where there was once undecorated skin. I had a boyfriend who had a huge family and I knew none of them. Nothing in the house looked familiar to me. None of the people in my life looked familiar to me. Some things that people were telling me were so unfathomable that I felt like screaming and locking myself in a closet somewhere.

When I woke, my heart was racing and I could barely catch my breath. I was terrified. It took a while before everything started to sink in and I was able to look around the house with some confidence that I did indeed live there and that I remembered how the cats came to live with us and the various movies and books that I'd shared with my kids. It took a little bit longer for me to realize which state I lived in. That one was really weird.

As I went about the day, my mind returned to that dream and I thought about the changes in all that time. Simple things like text messaging and Facebook. More complex things like my business and my relationships with people. Huge historical events like the Twin Towers attack, weather events like the tsunami in the Indian Ocean, and personal events like the loss of my grandparents and my Dad's entry back into my life. There would be so much to relearn and try to figure out. It truly makes my head spin with the enormity of it. And made me feel very alone. At this point in my life there are only two people who have been in my life for longer than this dream entailed and they are my children. That's not entirely comfortable.

But it also made me realize that I am so very grateful for the memories I have. And it's brought a new awareness to other aspects of my life. The friendships I have now are very important to me. My business (which is now officially a LLC) is something I treasure. The life I'm building... it's nowhere near where I'd like it to be, but I know which direction I want to take it. I will keep holding to those things.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Forward or backward?

I looked around my room last night and realized that the corner was once again cluttered with miscellaneous stuff. All of that stuff has its own place, I just happened to have dropped it all there (bits at a time) and didn't get back to it. It looks messy and is messing with the energy of the whole room. I think there are many areas in my life that are like that. It's not that I don't care about that corner, or even that I want it to be messy, but I get busy with other things and the corner falls to the back of my mind.

This morning I set a timer and got to work. The reason for the timer was so that I would actually stop since I had other things that needed to be done (like the dishes). Now it's much better and more organized. And we have a family bookshelf again, too.

The day has been long. I think it's partly because of so many things going through my head. That seems to be a trend lately, doesn't it?

I think about the people in this world. The suffering, the sorrow. I think about the joys and the triumphs. There is no end to the amazing creatures called "human".

And, as selfish as this sounds, I think about myself. I strive so hard to be understood. I apologize when I realize my mistakes (not always when they are pointed out to me, but when my heart realizes the truth). I make more mistakes now than I think I did when I was younger. Either that or I'm more aware of them. I feel more pain than I did when I was younger, more uncertainty, more confusion. Ideals that I held once so carefully now seem nothing more than a child's wish. My poetry is sparse and fleeting (I don't even have any of the new stuff since I failed to write it, only send it out in texts), my words feel as if they are drying up. Things that I once thought of as special about Me now seem the very things that cause the most issues.

I wonder if this is part of "growing up" or if it's something else. If this is growing up then I'm to just accept the way things are. If it's something else I need to figure it out and get rid of it.

Wednesday, May 08, 2013


If you follow this blog you may have wondered if I fell of the planet or something. No... I've just had a lot of thoughts going through my mind and very few of them were shareable. None of those things are resolved or dealt with or anything like that... but I started to feel as if those things have begun taking over my life, crowding out the good stuff, choking off the sunshine.

But I'll push myself up through the dirt and shake my petals free...

That's from a song by Dar Williams. One that I can barely remember how to play on the guitar. But I love it anyway and it always makes me feel a little better. So, onward and upward, right?

Kevin and I built a raised bed garden. It's a rather late start, but there wasn't any real way to avoid that. There were family things going on, rainy weather on the weekends (the only time we could work on it), and other things. Last weekend we were able to finish the fence and get the seeds in the ground. I'm a little worried about the tomatoes, but if they don't grow then we'll figure out something else. Gardening... I have missed that so very much! To touch the soil, to know that the seeds will soon become plants that will feed you and nourish your body, to know that you played a part in that. I am really looking forward to the first taste of fresh veggies.

I've also been absent from my cardio workouts, but not the strength-training. That, too has come to an end. The absence, not the workouts. My calves have felt on fire for the last two days, but that's completely acceptable and I'm viewing it as the phoenix rising from the ashes (nail in the foot, sunburn, and some weird cold). Now I'm ready to rise up stronger.

There are other things that I want to spill out through this keyboard. Pieces of my heart, thoughts that keep me awake, dreams that feel like ashes. But I know that won't bring more light into this world, so I will leave them unsaid and unwritten. Instead, I will continue doing my best to smile and help hold the world in love.