Wednesday, October 17, 2012


Early yesterday it was pointed out to me that I was leading a group in a special way. And yet, in all honesty, I do not think of myself as a leader. Not by any stretch. Sometimes I want to shrink back into anonymity and watch the world from my little corner of the world. But knowing that some of my ideas are helping others? Knowing that the simple things that I put here are any kind of inspiration? I know that I can't go back to my shelter. At least not permanently. Once in a while when I need to ground myself, yes, but only until I can breath again.

My trip to Asheville helped me more than I can ever express. The energy of the people there. The peace of the home I was in. The deep strength of the mountains. All of that showed me just how far I'd fallen since moving to this town. I'd lost a lot of vitality and the ability to see my own Light on a regular basis. I only saw it in tiny glimpses and it seemed so feeble. Some people would tell me that I was an inspiration to them, but I felt like they must be blind... I couldn't see it for myself. Especially when I could hold so much animosity toward some other human beings on the fringes of my life.

The workouts are helping. My new determination is helping. The handful of women in my group is also helping. In this effort I'm also finding the strength to fight against the concession that wants to rise up and just accept what "is". I am finding the strength to walk away from the situations that do not help me grow.

When I look at myself in the mirror I sometimes see the most beautiful Being there is because I can see the radiance of Spirit shining through my eyes. That's not conceit, it's just there. Other times I see a tired woman struggling to make it to the end of the day so she can escape into the oblivion of sleep. I strive to see the Shining One much more often.

And now? Even though it is the end of the day, I have a commitment to my Self, and I need to get out there on that bike and pedal for the last 30 minutes of exercise for the day. Because I deserve this. I am the winner.

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