Wednesday, May 30, 2012


Spiral #2 The Missing 'Bit'
Nothing brings a sense of dread to my stomach like a trip to the dentist. I don't even know why, since I've never had horrible experiences with them. But no matter how much I use my breathing techniques, no matter what music I listen to, my shoulders tense, my muscles tighten, and my pulse rises. Crazy, isn't it?

I'm hoping this time is different since the dentist is different. She's a younger woman of Indian descent and was very professional and personable the last time I went in.

I'll bring my knitting, of course. Just a washcloth that I can easily put aside when it's time.

I think the biggest challenge with this visit is my treadmill time. There isn't enough time for breakfast, treadmill, and a shower before I go (yes, I could have planned better) and I'm not sure how I'll feel when I get back. We'll see how it all goes.

In other news, I started a book recently by Eckhart Tolle (A New Earth). This was given to me by a lovely friend and there are some interesting points in it. I won't go into detail right now, but it's a good book to make you think a little more about what You really are. Not who you are, but what you are.

Well, time for me to get day-clothes on. I hope you all have a lovely day!

Thursday, May 24, 2012


Yes, I broke my own rule: Don't touch the outdoor cats unless you're ready to catch them to get them fixed.

She was out there when I took some yarn out to finish drying in the breeze. She didn't run away like she normally does so I decided to talk to her. This time she came halfway across the yard and was talking back to me. I sat down on the porch to see if she'd come closer and she did. All the way up to me. She kept butting her head into my hands and meowing in a deep voice. I couldn't hear if she was purring, but her tail was straight up and fluffy. She seemed pretty happy that someone was paying attention to her.

Then I broke another rule: Never touch a pregnant female's belly without permission. And she bit me pretty hard. I should have expected it. And I felt so bad that I'd caused her to feel defensive while she's in this condition. (I did wash my hand pretty thoroughly, used peroxide, and my salve.)

I know that I could catch her now and have her fixed (it costs more while the cat is pregnant, but they will do it). But... I can't. I know that some would argue that the kittens may just starve to death anyway and that, if they survive, they'd end up being feral cats, too. And some might argue that feral cats don't have the same sense of being that housecats do. But... I can't. She's pregnant. Every bit of her is preparing for the coming of those kittens. She's far enough along that she probably already picked out a place to have them. I just cannot catch her, put her through the worst terror of her life only to have her wake up a day later and not have her kittens still inside her.

Judge me if you will, but I can't do that.

So what will I do when the kittens are born? Well, if she lets me anywhere near them, I will do my best to befriend them all and find them homes. It certainly won't be the first litter I've done that for.


In other news... I realized that Brianna will be a sophomore in a week. What a wonderful mix of emotions that caused! Shock, of course, then happiness for her, then happiness for me.

Then a realization that I've still got a long way to go to stay on track for my own dreams. And that filled me with some pretty powerful emotions, too.

I hope you all find your balance.

Sunday, May 20, 2012


IrisWhat a glorious ability! To put one's thoughts and dreams and fears into a form that can be revisited again and again. Sometimes the revisiting hurts when you reread words that you'd penned years ago. And sometimes it makes you smile.

I've been doing a lot of writing over the last couple of days. And reading. And discovering more about myself. And deciding what should be laid to rest and what should be rekindled.

Life is a wondrous thing and there are so many ways of looking at beauty and feeling good about things. All we need to do is to be open to them. We need to listen when the Universe is telling us that something won't work and that it's time to look for a different way.

When we were kids we were taught a song... well, lots of songs, but this one was special. For me it was "Goin' on a Squeegie Hunt", for many of you it might have been something different. In the song we are met with dozens of obstacles. Boulders, rivers, fields of wheat, just about everything a child's mind could think of that we'd have to trek past to find the squeegie (and, no, I still don't know what that is). With each obstacle it was up to the singer to figure out ways to pass. Around the boulder, swim the river, through the field. And, of course, we made the appropriate sounds and motions as we sang. It was fun. At the end, we found the scary squeegie and had to race back past all the things we'd encountered in reverse order.

Now, I look at all the things we must get past and I realize that we don't stop to think about the best way, we just barge through. I think it's time to stop and really think about how to get through things. How can a person get past the financial issues they may be facing? The relationship hurts? The loneliness of children growing up? The emptiness when loved ones are gone?

We are not machines, built to trudge ahead with no regard to our hearts. We are humans, created to love, laugh, cry, dream, believe, weep, dance, sorrow, celebrate, and so much more.

We need to find the ways to be human in these things.

I hope you can find those ways.

Wednesday, May 09, 2012


There are just some days when it's harder to hold onto the faith that everything will be okay. I know, in my head, that things will even out and the sparkle of the day will return. I can tell myself that the weeks of brightness weren't an aberration and that they will return. I can push myself to believe that the smiles and easy-going laughter were not the exception, but were the normal.

But when it stops abruptly, when the world just seems dismal, when it seems there isn't anywhere to turn for comfort... it is hard to keep believing.

Yes, this is where some of my moments have been. I don't share all the negative stuff simply because I think the world has enough and doesn't need mine added to it. Today, though... today feels like there is an attack coming from all fronts and I stand in the middle, doing my best to battle it all. And keeping that smile plastered to my face so that the rest of the world doesn't see how hard I'm struggling to stay on my feet. To stay cheerful. To stay positively focused on the good things.

Days like this the simple gift of knowing that I do have people out there who love me, is the only thing that keeps me going.

Tuesday, May 01, 2012


Last night there was supposed to be an amazing storm. Even though I was worried about the safety of a loved one, I wanted crashing thunder and a torrential downpour. Instead it was a fairly steady rain that was more soothing than cathartic. I needed the powerful storm last night. Yes, I'll admit there were tears shed yesterday and I wanted to wash some of that hurt away. It's hard when the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one. And a storm would have helped ground me a bit.

Ah well, I can't control the weather, can I?

This is the second morning I've woken this early and it's a little interesting. I didn't feel tired throughout the day yesterday (even though I had a crying headache) and I'm hoping today will be the same. I have a lot of errands to run and don't want to lose my "oomph" before I've finished them all. I'll be taking some knitting with me, of course. I am finally knitting with the yarn that Pacasha (of Younger Yarn) sent to me. These socks are going to be awesome.

I have a lot in mind for crafting, but I'll leave that for later in the day. In the meantime, my focus will be on making sure all my paperwork is in order for all the changes being made. Registering my business, new IDs, update banking information, and so much more. One item on my list is a passport, but that will be happening around my birthday. What will I use it for if I can't even bring myself to get on a plane? Well, that's one of the changes coming up. I don't know where I'll go, but I'm determined to go somewhere this year. On a plane. Hopefully not by myself, though.

It's almost time to have my blood tested again. At the end of this month it will have been 6 months. I'm not nearly as nervous as I first thought I'd be. In fact, I'm feeling pretty good about the prospect. After all, I've eliminated almost all sugars and starches from my foods, I've been working out mostly regularly (there have been some times when it falls by the wayside, but never longer than a few days), and I've been meditating more (relieves stress). Yes, there are still areas in my life that cause me a great deal of stress, but I'm managing them much better, I think.

Now it's time to get those socks started so I can start the morning routine. I hope you all have a blessed day.