Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Through the fog...

Clouds at Dawn

It's already the end of January... this whole month seems like it has flown past with barely a moment to catch my breath and steady myself. Through minor things at home (overhead pipes and ceiling repairs) to major nightmares that have kept me from sleeping, from wonderful new customers to no paycheck for more than a month, from the sense of accomplishment of pedaling so many miles to the dark moments when I feared that accomplishment... it's all there, in the neat little boxes of the calender.

And yet, even with the dark times, the light shone through all the more brightly. When I finally lost the tentative control I had over my fears, and cried bitter tears, I was held close and comforted, the burden becoming lighter. It would be okay. I was not alone. That was the most important one. The repairs were small (although probably not to the one doing the work), the money came through, the size issue will pass as my strength increases. It was the dreams that haunted even my days that caused me the most harm. I am so very thankful that I was able to let go of that fear and desolation. Am I still afraid? Yes, a little, I am. But knowing that there is another who shares that weight with me, eases that pain more than words can ever express.

During this month I've also gotten better at letting go of issues that cause negativity in my life. That feels so peaceful! I once would keep trying to figure out a way around the feelings I have, but now, I know that I can acknowledge them, and be grateful for my intuition and strength, even when others do not agree with me.

I have so much to learn! And I am making the time to learn the things I want. All of it has to do with Life. The life I want, the life I know I deserve. When I feel that I've learned enough of each item, I will share it with you.

Why did I choose this picture? You see the fog? That is how our lives can sometimes be. We can't see very far ahead and we get frightened of that fact. We fear what lies ahead. But, when we look up the sky is just as blue, just as bright and we can know that Hope lies ahead and all around us. We can know that we just need to keep moving forward. When we reach the end of our Journey, we can look back at the road we have traveled and know that we did our best. And we will know that we made it through the fog, not just once, but hundreds of times. And each time the sun shone a little brighter.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Ups and downs

Early Morning Sun Rays

What a crazy bit of stuff! The last couple weeks have certainly been all over the place in terms of emotions. It's all part of the wonder of Life, I know, and I'm grateful. Even for the lows.

I am happy that the kind of people entering my life are so very different than they used to be! The people now are so full of light and beauty and strength and I truly believe my life is enriched by knowing them. It is much easier letting go of the ones who cause me pain and grief.

My goals for biking have changed slightly. Part of that is pushing through some fears I have about being thinner. One of those fears is pretty silly when it's brought out to light, and Kevin has helped with that one a bit. The other... it resides in a darker part of me that I truly thought was buried. I am stronger now. I am more aware now. I won't let this fear keep me from having a body I want.

I am sitting here today looking at the snow drifts in the yard and watching a few flakes drift down and I feel more at peace than I have in a couple weeks. I am happy for the snow, covering all the emptiness.