Monday, December 12, 2011

Shocked and confused

Yes, I was shocked by one of my reactions today. Intense jealousy and pain, then guilt because I felt that way. All of them hit me out of nowhere, leaving me sobbing. Yes, really sobbing, and now I feel emptied out.

You see, a friend's daughter arrived back in the states today from Iraq. I am so filled with happiness for them, but the other feelings... Anthony won't be home for a while more. This is our first holiday without him. Brianna & I will be alone, with each other.

I wasn't going to write about it, but maybe there is another parent out there who is feeling the same way. If you are reading this, please know that you are not alone. Please know that I am so grateful to you and your support for your loved ones so far away.

And to my friend? I would like to say to her, and to all the families who are so joyful today, I am so very sorry for my reaction. I truly am happy for you all and I really do appreciate all that you have gone through. My only excuse is that I miss my son, but I know he'd not want me to be sad, so I will turn on the music and reflect on how much you have all gone through to get to this point.

Namaste.

4 comments:

  1. Well Sweetie, the nerve of you being Human. A Human Mother at that. You have nothing to feel ashamed of. You have the right to feel, including heartfelt pain because this is the first Christmas since your son has been born that you have not been together. Please give yourSelf permission to be human, I in my way am envious of your feelings. I have never been able to feel the pain of my sons' separation.

    You are a strong, couragous woman. Do not think yourSelf any less because of tears and grief. xo

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  2. Honey, your feelings came from the love you feel for your son and because you are missing him especially around the holidays. Don't be hard on yourself. <>

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  3. I am the mom who is celebrating her daughter's return. Dear friend I understand. Trust me, the holidays we have missed have been difficult and even though she is back in the states, we won't see her until her leave in January. My wish is that the day would come when none of our children are on foreign shores with the military and away from those they love. No matter how old they get, they are our babies. Jess was home for Thanksgiving last year but we have not had Christmas together since 2008. Let your feelings out, they are what you are feeling. Love to you my friend!

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  4. Cordelia, you are such a wonderful person! For your understand and your love, thank you so much.

    Shirra, thank you, I have been letting it go all day and now feel peaceful enough to sleep.

    Ruth, thank you for your words. You are a wonderful friend.

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