Friday, November 04, 2011

Anger...

I've been angry this week. I was determined to let it go, but even today it still bothers me that I am hurt by someone's casual actions. And so, I'm angry at myself for allowing the hurt to happen. And the situation is stupid, really, but it's sitting there, hurting.

So, I decided that I will write about it after all. When I confide in someone, I am sharing a piece of my own spirit. I am trusting that they are strong enough to hold that piece lightly and not to crush it. And I walk away feeling that something is really good in the world. I feel Trust with that person. Maybe not enough to share deeper parts of my spirit with, yet, but the trust is there and it's like a tiny spark, lighting up a dark spot.

When that trust gets broken, for whatever the reason, I try to blow it off, as if it's not a big deal, as if it doesn't hurt. But the day has dimmed a bit. Flavor has dulled. The sun doesn't shine quite as brightly. And still I smile, hoping the feelings will dissipate with a little more time. Instead, I begin to feel small inside. Hard. A little bitter. When I come across that person, my energy sharpens into pinpricks, I don't wish them harm, exactly, but I wish they would not be there.

This is where I am right now. I am hurt and angry. I chide myself for these feelings since I know they will do no good. I meditate on forgiveness. I light my candles in the hopes that I can focus on better things. And the anger wells up, right along with the hurt. I'm supposed to be better than this. I'm supposed to rise above these feelings.

The other person? They don't know the hurt or anger they caused. And I don't see a way to tell them. And so, I'm angry. And hurt. And haven't figured out a way to release it. And that makes me sad since I know it will just cause more issues in other relationships in my life.

I know this will pass. I know I am better than this. I know that my Spirit will rise.

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